You, Me and the beautiful night.

You started it! You always do it! You never listen to me! You irritate me! GO AWAY….. This was how he started his monologue. Loneliness was his only companion. He blew his heart, to throw out the loneliness which was a part of him. Never could he be successful.

“She was beside me, where is she now? Though I can’t see her, I can feel her around me forever”- I sat beside him when he just finished saying this. I held his hand which was tender, the hand which was in hers a while ago. Consoling him with many untrue words was the only approach I knew. But, he was not one among them who heeded what I said.

He went back to that night where they had one of the lovely conversations of their lives.

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Why do I feel like kissing and caressing you all the time? Those enigmatic eyes of yours, drives me into some unknown world. Why didn’t I become that good god who created you? Why was his touch the first one on you? Am I unlucky to have you so late in my world? Oh! My darling doll, I am still fortunate to have been gifted you as my love. Her elegant eyes opened up as he mumbled these words.

She heard all these exaggeration of him. Opening her eyes gently with those dimpled smile on her curvy lips and told “Stop being poetic on me my lord, you embarrass me” with her soothing voice, which was in competition with all the nightingales. I know you love me and I do not need any decorative statements to understand your pure love towards me. She knew that I was the only person who could feel her always.

I did not know this was our last conversation, a conversation which left me lonely. That night she was afraid, she was betrayed by something, her eyes were dusky, she didn’t want to sleep. Like a child who is not willing to sleep until her bed time story, she pestered me too much for the unfulfilled promises. Those promises which both of us knew that it was beyond our reach. She was poetic that night.

She started the talk with the most romantic speech, with her sweet voice. Those lines about me were the ones I always wanted to hear from her, from the beginning of our relationship. I was lost in her arms with her comforting sentences, which did not make me realise that this was my last chat with the person whom I always imagined a life with. 

“Hold my hands my lord; your lady will be no more with you after this night”. This night is her dream night, in which she is with her beloved person. Whom she always loved to be with, with whom she was most comfortable, with whom she fought utmost and with that person who she looked more than that almighty….

By closing her lips softly with a kiss, I said, you are being poetic my lady.  With a painful laugh she said. “I always loved the way you expressed yourself and your love my lord. I was hesitant of that love and thought of you every time.”  I was surprised to know that she was fearful for me. The answer came from her with those big tears rolling from her eyes.

“I miss you after this night. But, I go to the world where no one knows what happens and you are the one who will stay here and think of me every moment. We have prints of our love in nook and corner of this home. In this home, where I first stepped in with you, where I had my most romantic days with you. Where we both thought entire life together. How will you live my lord? I am scared to leave you like this.”

With all untruthful gestures, I grabbed her in my arms, which was the most hurting moment of all. I promised her to feel her around always and make her proud in the world she is in. Controlling my bundle of tears, I said, we know that we are not together after this night, my lady, but you are in me for whole of my life. Poetic love in me is expressed only to you my life…..

Saying this I made her sleep in my arms for the last time and told her, don’t be hesitant my lady there is no one around, it’s only “YOU ME and THE BEAUTIFUL NIGHT”….

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Coming back to present, with his hands off from mine, he wiped his wet eyes. He asked me for a promise, a promise to love someone till eternity. As a writer, I virtually saw this unconditional love between them and I attribute this write-up to this man, who shared his story and gave a wonderful title to his love….

Ranju…

I love you...

I have told I love you for many people, don’t mistake me, not in the way you are thinking. But, now genuinely I would like to say “I love you” to someone. Someone who has made my life better, splendid, spectacular… too less to expound about how miraculous my life has been because of this “someone”.

There is a famous saying in Sanskrit which says “Mounam saamathi lakshanam” means silence is the answer for acceptance. Like the saying goes, my acceptance was silence which made us go hand in hand. Same was the reaction from my “someone”.

Aren’t you folks little curious to know who this special “someone” of mine is? Okay, before I get beaten up black and blue, let me tell who this “someone” is. Oh, come on, not that person, not the other one too, not even him, or him. Actually that “Someone” is not a “He”!  Stop thinking weird about me please. This “Someone” is my cell phone’s “SILENT MODE”.

I know, I know… Silent mode can never become someone, it’s something. But this something became someone to me as this helped me too much in my life’s upcoming. This was my companion in my office meetings where I silently without anyone’s knowledge sneaked into my cell phone. It helped me to keep myself busy during boring weddings.

It took care of me when I was sleeping, by taking all my calls and messages silently. In cinema hall, in the classes I attended, in any situation I was in, my silent companion was with me to support me. To whom else will I say “I love you” other than this silent friend of mine?

I also learnt many things from this love of mine. He taught me to be silent to feel myself, to be silent when people are talking something which you have no idea about, to be silent when you are doing something very important. He taught me to be elegant enough.

Common question is, how will I be elegant, if I am silent? I was named ‘Elegant’ when I sat on a dinner table with so called high society people and had no clue about their conversation and picked up the wine glass with my hands sophisticatedly twisted exposing a fake smirk and silently muttered   “hmmmm…yes…exactly”…. People there esteemed my presence though I was silent.

Thanks to my latest love “Mr Silent mode” for his iconic presence in my life and making me blossom in midst of many, though I was Silent. As always... I love you -“Silent mode”.

Ranju….

My First Crush

Ah! Look at that blush on your face when you see this. I was once possessed by the same. Everyone, at least once till date, would have had crush on someone. OMG! Come back to present and concentrate on my post now. But, how many of you remember your first crush out of so many crushes you have had till date?

Ask me. I remember my first crush.  It’s very rare that we get to hear about this concept nowadays. That is “Boy meets girl, there is some spark between them, and they love each other and live happily ever after”. Trust me, long back in my higher primary, I experienced this concept. And it was just a wonderful experience if I recollect it now.

It was my school annual day celebration. I was in a play with a leading role and I was playing the role of a very beautiful lady called “Shakuntala”. You can’t see me blushing now but actually I’m. Okay, with not too many diversions let me get into the actual ‘What happened’ in my past.

Here enters the King “Dhushyantha”. This is the moment I had my first crush. We had daily rehearsals and we both hardly spoke when we were out of the character. Till the day when I saw him on stage, I dint realise he was my first crush. Oh! His charm in King’s costume is inexplicable. A perfect picture of a Greek god was on my mind. Totally I fell for him that day.

I don’t know what it was called. I was too young to do that kind of math then. That day was an awesome shocker of my life time. He came up to me and started the conversation. He said many things like- I looked pretty, I am a good actor and so on and so forth in which few are confidential.

Next day onwards we were very good pals and now I thought the concept of “Boy meets girl….” Which I told earlier, was working with me. It was hard to believe that my first crush was my first love. But, one-way traffic is always bad in case of crush or love. This went on for few days where I enjoyed my days of walking in a dream.

These creamy days of mine had to end. I told you guys that, this remained an experience to me. One day, after school it was again a rehearsal for an inter school competition. As usual I was eager to see him. He looked mesmerising even in school uniform after the annual day. He called me and told something for which, for a moment I was dumbstruck. He said it. The same thing, which I had. Yes, yes… it is the same thing. He had a “Crush” but I never heard it fully.

Finally! I said to my soul. Oh, I knew you would say this… I knew you have a crush. He accepted and said yes! I have a crush and I think it’s my first love as well. I had goose bumps when he said this. I was curious to hear my own name. Then he told, Listen! I need your help in this success of mine. I was going out of control. All my enthusiasm came down to ground zero when he told with the loudest of his voice “I have a crush with the girl who played “Sakhi (assistant of Shakuntala)” in our play.

Poor me! I stood crumpled. Didn’t have any reaction for a moment. I was his Shakuntala only in the play and not in real life. As all sad love stories, mine also ended supporting him for getting my friend. Doing favour’s for him to make her feel good. Seeing them from far and getting jealous. My entire higher primary I spent days doing this.

It was a fresh leap all together. I mean, it was my college days. I left all my sad crush story back and from there till now… I don’t know how many crushes I have had. Today, once you are done reading this post, go back and remember all those crushes in your life, smile at them. Come back and start counting new one’s guys…..

Ranju….

So….. What’s next?

I am typing this post in one hand. What? Did you guys ask why? Coz I am posting this just a week after I broke my collar bone. So, please ignore my mistakes…

People, what do you think on the title of this post? I dint even think before deciding on this title. For that matter I don’t think at all. But, this is the common question asked whenever I feel I have achieved something.

Right from my play home to my graduation, I’m hearing this. I am sure even you guys have faced the same. I finished my play home, I was asked. So cute! You finished your play home? So, what next? Man! How would have my parents felt for this question? Sure thing. Irritating right? If I could answer, I would have told, yes. I finished my play home and my next plan is to join IIM for my PG. Though I wished, I was not allowed to.

After I finished my 10^th grade, second year PU, B.COM I was surrounded by hundreds of what’s next? But, I selected the field which I always loved. Whenever I was asked this, back of my mind was only one thing. Bloody! Enjoy the success man then let’s decide what’s next….

But somewhere in the corner of my heart, I was not different compared to any of those hundred people who asked me “so, what’s next? “. After I felt I achieved something which has to be enjoyed for quite some time, the very next moment I asked myself was…. “So… what next?”

Ranju….

I wonder???

I go crazy when I see you,

Is it love or is it something else?

Well, if it’s something else, what could it be?

Until I get an answer…..

I Wonder. How could I stay without you?

I feel I am just like you,

I realise I am different the very next moment.

Do you have the same feeling when you stare into my eyes with that killing glance?

Until I get an answer…..

I Wonder. How could I stay without you?

I cry for you, when you are not around

I ignore you on purpose when you are there.

I abuse you, I open up with you

And wait for a quick reaction from you….

Until I get an answer…..

I Wonder. How could I stay without you?

I always talk nonsense in front of you,

But I can’t lie, even behind your back.

Is your patience and silence making me do this?

OH, MIRROR ON THE WALL…..

Until I get an answer…..

I really wonder. How could I stay without you?

Ranju….

A blank canvas….

What’s on my mind today? Oops, I am blank…….

It’s about me that I assume things a lot. What if? Can I? Should I? Will I? Ah, people think I am sceptic but that’s what haunts me, because I feel I am not that. Who cares about what I am? It’s generally that what others think about me. I do things to please others; I wear things to look good to others. But where I am lost in this space is an interrogation I am battling to myself. 

I need to do something for myself to solve this examination of mine, was a new idea which struck my mind. So, now my master mind which people call sceptic mind started thinking about a solution. Though all the assumptions came in, I continued scratching my idea deeper.

I don’t know what crashed in me; I went and bought a blank canvas, stepped out of my home, went to a nearby school. As I knew the school people and the children very well, I could talk to them for a while. I asked children to do something on the blank canvas. The time I left, I got a colourful painting which had flowers, animals, chocolates and all innocent things which were expected. I then realised life is so colourful. My day was beautiful and filled with all colours that day.

Next day, same blank canvas but I thought of trying with different set of people. As it was a weekend, I went to meet my friends. After all the Hi’s and Hello’s, I gave my canvas and told them to do something with it. Then I understood, people think a lot to do something on it, unlike the kids. Why don’t we trust someone and do what they tell. It’s just because we think a lot and start making sense out of every non sense. Finally I got my filled in canvas. Guess, what it was by the end of the day? A stylish hand bag, jewellery designs, funky party atmosphere, their signatures etc. etc. painted on it. Hmmm, I got that people will not remain kids anymore because they are not kids anymore and they become self-obsessed after a point of time, may be even I was one among them.

My exploration on the blank canvas continued, I met a group of friends who were in their “mid-life”, gave my canvas and told them to do something on it. My day ended with seeing a lot like, World tour, well settled children to take care of them, lot of bank balance etc. I got that there was lot of things on my canvas but winded up with a word called “Expectation”. 

Keeping all three canvases in an order I tried drawing a conclusion from them. Oh, pictures say so many things. It’s the same person whose mind-set changes. Of course, it has to change. Why should it change? Because, if you become an adult and start thinking the way a kid thinks, people won’t accept it. And being a kid if you think like an adult people say, look he is over matured for his age. So how should I be? Finally my assumptions didn’t stop chasing a huge set of questions but what I made out of it was, we live in this world more for others and less for ourselves. And for me, my battle with the canvas ended with the kids leaving a thought saying, it will be difficult for people around you to accept a kid when you are grown up. But never let a childlike heart in you to ever die. It’s about being childlike and not childish.

Ranju….

On a lazy day……

On a lazy day, when I peeped out of my little window…..

I saw a little girl asking her poor parents an expensive chocolate; they managed to fulfil her wish….

I saw a young girl asking for rich attire in her wardrobe, they bought it with great pain without showing that pain in them….

I saw the girl as a grown up and asking for her true love.

What happened? Darkness filled around, pains and frustrations came, sorrows danced…..

All mixed feelings were from the same hands, which had once reached the heights to cover the pain.

When the bleeding hands can manage the worldly attractions, ignoring the pain, why can’t it manage the sweet love?

This was the question on my mind at the end of my day and my lazy day ended with a question mark which continued unanswered….

From a lazy day again a fresh day but with an unanswered question……

Ranju....